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Why Your Screen Name Didn’t Make Me Wet

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Every time I foray into online dating, I am met by some things that compel me to promptly foray right back out.  I think about it whenever I decide to check my OKCupid account late at night, or whenever I’m eying some of the “Meet in North Carolina” groups on Fetlife because I find myself very, very desperately wishing I had a regular sex partner so I wouldn’t have to do all the work.  I haven’t checked my OKCupid account in a few weeks, but yet again, I’ve found my mind wandering back to dating on the internet because of a conversation I just had with one of my best friends.

This particular friend was displeased with her eHarmony experience, but mentioned that she was thinking about re-activating her account on the site.  Because misery loves company, I said, “Why not try OKCupid?  I’m on there!”

This blog post was spawned because of the following conversation:

She:  “What should my name on this site be?  I don’t want to put my last name on this profile  I was thinking about this.”

Me:  “Yeah, I think that’s great!  It doesn’t give too much away.”

She:  “You don’t think it’s dumb?”

Me:  “No.  Seriously, once you see some of the names on this site, you’ll realize that you could have named yourself PeckerMcDongHat and still come away looking like a being of superior intellect.”

Which brings me to my point.

I know that the internet is a very big place.  I know that screen names are things that you can agonize over for hours because you want to choose the right one.  I know that some people are reading this and scoffing, “Yeah, well what does Sugarcunt even mean?”  (Exactly what it says on the tin, bitches.)  I’m not saying I have the best name on the internet, and I’m not here to offer any better suggestions.

I’m here because, if you have named yourself, “Oralmaster66698,” chances are that I’m just not going to be compelled to hit you up for a date!  Or even a no-last-names sexual encounter, for that matter.  When I get a wink from someone with a screen name like “bAbiGuRLLL,” I groan and delete the notification immediately.  “BigCock4U2Day sent you a message!” translates to, “Call your friends over to point and laugh.”  MakeUMyBitch247?  I’m going to laugh in your face if you approach me with the assumption that I’ll submit to you.

Here’s the thing.  I know it’s mean.  I know it’s judgmental.  But I’m on a dating site to judge you.  On this site, yes, a first impression is everything, because unlike real life, I can block you if you annoy the shit out of me.  In real life, it takes slightly more effort to avoid you based on a first impression (I solve this difficult-to-avoid problem by never leaving my dorm room), and because of the type of person I am, I’m more likely to judge you based on your typing skills than I am on your appearance.  You have more chances if you have the balls to approach me in person, because it will (hopefully) take you longer to out yourself as a moron.  “That’s not fair,” you cry.  Is it fair that you’re going to decide you don’t want to date me because I’m fat?  Well, on a cosmic scale, maybe not really, but on a scale closer to home, yes, it is.  You have the freedom to bypass me because I don’t meet your weight requirement.  I have the freedom to bypass you because a screen name like wAnT2cMipussy indicates that there’s a 95% chance that you don’t meet my intellect requirement.   I enjoy clever screen names, or original-sounding screen names.  I will even grant my attention to people who use small parts of their names as screen names, because I have met some people that I really like that do that.  When I see a screen name advertising the girth or tightness of your genitals, or your super dominance, or your ability to beat your face in the general area of your Shift key with impunity, I mock you and then I sit down to write blog entries like this.

And now I’ll nitpick a little further.  If your screen name has to do with fly-fishing or hunting and your profile says you love nothing but sports , you and I are not going to exchange messages.  If your screen name specifically mentions sports, I’m going to be skeptical of you.  I will block you if you message me and say, “You’re a girl” (strike one) “that plays games?”  (Strike two)  “So do you like, play Xbox?”  (Strike three).  If you send me a message that says nothing but, “hey,” I will not respond to it.  If your profile states that you are “looking for your redneck Romeo,” or a “girl to have your babies,” please don’t message me.

I’d sooner send a wink to PeckerMcDongHat.

(Disclaimer: I didn’t reach out and deliberately select these screen names, but they probably exist.  Rest assured that these were chosen at random and were not intended to represent any real individuals that I have had contact with.  I have much more scathing things to say about people that I’ve had to reject personally.)

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