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Highlights From the First Ever Jerkathon

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Photo of a Vespa, close-up, with a slight sepia filter over it. A teal border at the top houses the line: #VespaCunt

Back at the beginning of May I masturbated with dildos for the second time in over a year. I spent over two hours masturbating and livetweeting it, and I hashtagged it #Jerkathon. I piled my sex toys for the night into an empty McDonald’s bag and carried all my things to the bedroom, and I was ready to begin.

The Jerkathon began as so many jack-off sessions do in Sex Blogger World: With the We-Vibe Tango.

I found that the Tango was actually pretty awesome once my hood piercing was removed, because it covered more of my clit and did a lot less rattling. I was blown away by how stealthy it was!

So then I considered rebranding.

And then I delivered the best sex toy burn known to man:

You’re welcome. Then my good friend @Sex_ational came up with “clitfemme” because my clit sounds like an adorable little femme in a head scarf and big glasses.

The Tango didn’t get me off, but it got me started, and then I moved on to the next toy: a Lovehoney G-spot Rabbit. The closest approximation available now is their 50 Shades branded rabbit.

I quickly realized my mistake in choosing my dildo transportation method.

The vibe was really difficult to get in for some reason, and then I couldn’t get it to turn on and I was baffled. I had to completely remove it just to discover that all my issues were because I was pressing the wrong damn button… then I had to put the thing back in. The entire time I used this vibe I kept complaining about how it felt like it should go in more but just absolutely would not.

I tried really hard not to be biased by the fact that the previous owner of this rabbit hated it, but it was hard not to be hateful toward this toy because it just was NOT very good.

I PROMISE that I was trying super hard not to hate it for the sake of science, but @TeaseForTwo was not being very helpful with that.

Eventually I just gave up on it.

This entire session was tricky because I didn’t have any water-based lube in my house (and still don’t… d’oh).

So I grabbed the Tango only to have it do something REALLY weird…

Fortunately it started working and I was scootering back to moistville. I decided it would be time to pull out the Cush and was reminded of my poor life choices.

Strangely the Cush was putting a lot of pressure on my rectal cavity or something, because my ass felt pretty full. It was uncomfortable at first because of the lack of adequate warm-up, but then it started to feel really good. My Midori wasn’t doing it for me though so I got that Tango back out and IT DIED ON ME IMMEDIATELY. I experienced what I call “vulval rage.” I said some things I didn’t mean, and then I had to apologize for them.

So I finally just said fuck it and moved to the next toy. I was reaching the 2 hour mark.

The Adventure is an interesting vibe. It’s supposed to be a triple stim, but it’s honestly just not long enough to do that adequately for most people. It hits me far enough below my clit that the vibrations don’t really carry up to it. @TaylorJMace asked where it hits on me and I was trying to get a good sense of it, but then I couldn’t feel my urethra with my fingers.

Eventually I tabled the urethral search and got back to jerking it. The Adventure’s vibrations are nice and rumbly.

Fortunately the Adventure is low enough that I can wedge another vibrator on top of it to work on my clit. I stuck my LoveLife Dream on top and in no time I was in heaven. Over two hours and ONE orgasm later the Jerkathon was over.

If you’d like to read the entirety of the tweets just check out the #Jerkathon tag!

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