I have plenty of excuses for why I didn’t write for a year. I’m not sure whether I owe them to my readers or not, but I do owe apologies all around, particularly to the companies I’ve been affiliated with whom I owe reviews to. It’s not professional, but my blog has always been secondary to real life, and real life has been hard.
Mental health is a tricky thing. My combined mental disorders keep me from leaving the house. They keep me from wanting to have sex and wanting to write. When I finally did want to write I couldn’t focus long enough to do it. I still have that last problem, actually. I’m motivated as hell to get back to blogging but it takes me days to write anything. I’m on day four of authoring this blog post. It’s not even particularly in-depth!
Starting a business is a time-consuming thing (when you actually have clients). And when you don’t have clients you don’t have money. And when you don’t have money you spend a great deal of time trying to find new ways to make money, and when you don’t find those ways you fret about how you don’t have money. My husband and I have a web design business, but when you’re new it can be difficult to grow your client base and get regular clients. I’ve applied for other jobs and spent hours crying because I can’t find one. I need something I can do from home right now, and telecommuter positions are hard to find.
Body and gender dysphoria are disheartening things that can put you off sex and masturbation, even sex with a partner you love more than anything. There was a period that lasted at least 6 months where we couldn’t even initiate sex without me bawling like a baby. Masturbating left me cold and empty. It’s hard to say how much of my recent sexual dysfunction was caused by my mental health and medications, and how much of it was caused by my dysphoria. Rest assured that neither thing is particularly easy to deal with.
There’s also this “reviewer guilt” thing, which I’m sure those of you who do review blogs are familiar with. You fall behind, you get overwhelmed, you’re not sure how to start tackling the piles of reviews on your shoulders, and then you feel sheepish when you do finally get something posted because you imagine the companies that you’ve been reviewing for seeing it and going, “Okay, but where is the review for my product?” Most companies don’t usually pester you about that sort of thing, but let me tell you, it sure does make me feel like an ass. I imagine that many companies do not appreciate a lengthy turnaround (of a month or more, I’m not even talking about the year I’ve taken off) between sending a product out and the review being posted.
The hiatus is over and I’m hoping I can get back into the swing of things. I’m masturbating with slightly more joy. My mood is greatly improved. I’m toying with a site redesign and I have a lot to write! Dave and I have eased into polyamory, so that’s probably what my next post will be about. The goal is to start out with one post a week, so keep an eye out!