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Non-Monogamy For Snowflakes


In 2015 my wife and I decided to experiment with non-monogamy. Through a series of comical and confounding miscommunications, we both labeled ourselves polyamorous and found ourselves back on OKCupid. If you’ve read any of my posts about online dating before, I’m sure you can anticipate how much I was dreading this. Putting yourself out there on any dating site for the first time can be intimidating when you don’t know what to expect, but once you DO know what to expect, it’s intimidating for a different reason. Have you ever had a dog that freaks out whenever you tell them it’s time to go to the vet? My brain is that dog, and dating websites are the vet, except it’s debatable whether the vet will help me in any way, and I’m a little worried the vet might shoot dog-me if I’m not safe enough.

Here’s something I didn’t count on: it was way harder to find a partner in my area on OKCupid as a married polyamorous person than as a single person. We weren’t unicorn-hunting, it was just super difficult to find non-monogamous people. Since we live in a rural town in the mountains of North Carolina, it’s also a lot harder to find queer and kinky folks in general, and your dating pool shrinks significantly if you’re only looking for non-monogamous people in those categories.

Another thing that sucked was that it also fostered a weird competitive undercurrent in our relationship. I don’t think either of us was consciously thinking in competitive terms, but my wife wasn’t getting as many messages as I was, and it seemed difficult for that not to discourage her. Whether we liked it or not, the mean parts of her brain compared our numbers. I knew this was because she was presenting male on a dating website.

If you’re perceived female on a dating website, you’ll often get a barrage of messages from horny dudes, whether you’re married or not. They’re not usually polyamorous, they’re usually assholes who are just looking for no-strings-attached sex. (NSA sex isn’t why they’re assholes.) This actually ruins the chances for perfectly decent people who are presenting male in their profiles, because this is a driving force that governs how we interact with messages and other people in general. When I considered myself monogamous, I would have been skeptical of a married man messaging me and saying he wanted to hook up or date, so I have a firsthand understanding of how wary someone might be when they get an OKCupid message from a married person.

When this happened, we didn’t know much about dating websites geared toward non-monogamous or kinky folks, like Swingtowns. In recent years, more businesses like this are becoming publicly visible, and that’s a total relief. No longer will non-monogamous people have to spend hours straining monogamous people out of their dating pool!

We ended up adopting a different relationship structure a few months later, and part of what helped us make the decision to change it was how incredibly fucking stressful trying to meet people online was. There is a certain degree of time and effort involved in actively hunting for new partners that can be exhausting, especially when you’re fishing in the wrong pond. The other part of our decision was that we weren’t particularly romantically available to others, which wasn’t going to make meeting people any easier.

Now I interpret us as being more monogam-ish than monogamous or polyamorous. This arrangement works for our relationship so much better than feeling like we have to commit to one label or the other, and much more accurately describes the flexibility and intentions of our agreement.

If you’re discussing opening your relationship for the first time, consider talking more about what the experiences and flexibility you desire are before you try to label it. There is no one-size-fits-all style of non-monogamy – each relationship is like a snowflake: unique, complex, nuanced, and beautiful.

This post was sponsored, but all opinions and experiences shared are my own.

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  • June 2, 2017 at 6:16 am
    Pillow Princess

    Great post, thank you! It’s an interesting perspective to hear about jealousy within a couple, rather than about paramours – not a perspective you hear often in poly posts, but one that truly rings true. So thank you!

  • July 5, 2021 at 10:15 am

    I know this is an older post, but I’m just finding it now. As a Polyamorous person, I applaud you for really doing the work and figuring out what you’re ant you’re relationship to look like. So many ppl think it’s an either/or situation and like most things in life, it’s a spectrum from my POV

    • July 6, 2021 at 2:29 pm

      Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed the post. I too have tired endlessly of performative decrees about how polyamory “should” look. The point of nonmonogamy is for us to find the things that work for us – when we’re all the ethically and honestly engaging, I don’t think anybody has any place to try and “fix” what’s not broken. In the 4 years since I wrote this I’ve had a lot of time to really find my stride and figure out what I need from my partnerships! Thank you for commenting. 🙂


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