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Texture Fiend


Let me tell you a story about one of the worst things that has ever happened to my vagina.

I can promise you that it does not involve childbirth, but if you’re at all squeamish about or triggered by vaginal injury/tearing of any kind, then you probably do not want to read this story.

Young, ignorant, and full of cum, Ex and I were working up to a marathon sex session after we’d been apart for our standard three months.  Three of the five years of our relationship were long-distance, and for some reason, phone sex just didn’t cut it.  *Cue knowing canned laughter from the audience members that have ever maintained a long-distance relationship.*  They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but they made a gross oversight in forgetting to mention the effect that it has on the genitals.

I’ve mentioned previously that I’m hard to get off, and producing an orgasm for me is a huge ordeal for the fingers, tongue, and any other appendages with nerve endings that may be put to the task.  After 20 minutes of working me over to no avail, my ex decided he was going to improvise and insert something to help him get the job done, lest his fingers organize an extended strike because of inhumane work conditions.  The tricky part of this was that there was nary a dildo to be found, because my sex toy obsession was restricted to online window shopping at the time.  So let’s think of some basic household objects to slot into the equation of x + condom = insertion, shall we?

For the sake of this article, I really did try to think of some things.  Here are some of the first suggestions that the internet offered up when I googled this question:

  • Produce
  • Hairbrush handles
  • Paper towel holders
  • Flashlight handles
  • Candles

Ex also knew someone who masturbated using a handful of markers, but we weren’t even going there.  Crayola products are just about the only childhood relics that are too sacred to go in my vagina.  (Although they do have a somewhat large, crayon-shaped crayon sharpener that I just had a mental image of fucking myself with.)

There I was, staring at my ceiling, soaking wet between the thighs, while my boyfriend trashed my room, searching desperately for something that he could put in my vagina with the minimal amount of effort.  Guess which of the objects from the list above he found?

None of them!

He found a wooden foot roller.

If you’re blanking when you try to conjure a mental picture of it, let me help you out.

A ribbed cylinder of light-colored wood on a white background.  The cylinder is wide at both ends, and tapers to a slightly thinner point in the middle.  The wood appears glossy and smooth to the touch, and the ends of the cylinder appear to be flat.

Okay.  Maybe those of you with more experience and wisdom (and who had received a comprehensive sex education that covered safe insertion) can look at that picture and go, “Maybe that isn’t the best idea.”  But for those of us who didn’t have the benefit of that, or at least some common sense, this looked like a totally viable dildo.  “Hell, honey, it’s ribbed for your pleasure! “  (Not a direct quote, but I know we were both thinking it.)  My foot roller wasn’t tapered as significantly as the one pictured above, but beyond that, it looked pretty much exactly like it.  He found it on my windowsill.  He asked me what it was.  I didn’t know.  What I did know was that I had received it as part of a massage/pedicure set.  I knew that it had a somewhat phallic shape.  I knew that it was made of smooth, seamless wood.  I also knew that I hadn’t seen my ex in almost four months and was ready to devour him, and because of that, everything else that I knew took a backseat to the fact that I knew that thing was going in my vagina.

And it did.

Oh my god.  It was good.  It was so good.  Intercourse had never felt that good.  I am not exaggerating.  I was in ecstasy, with that foot roller thrusting in and out of me and a devoted tongue on my clit.  It wasn’t very long.  It didn’t need to be.  It was amazing.  I genuinely have no real way to describe how it felt, because I have no basis for comparison in memory.  I couldn’t get enough of the thing, and I was so wet,

so close

my cunt was on fire my back was arched my toes were curling my right leg was twitching and that telltale cramp was forming in my thigh and oh my god, yes, yes, YES, I… flopped my spine back against the mattress, uncurled my toes, stilled my leg, and I was PISSED.


“Honey, you’re… bleeding.”  He sounded a little concerned.

Fire spurted from my nostrils as I sat up and grabbed his hair in a death grip, growing to twenty-times my size and towering over him.

“No, really, you’re bleeding…

The pleasure HAD NOT RESUMED.  His words were drowned out as Latin choirs sang in the distance.  My bed became a slab of ice and the temperature was sub-zero.  My room was now Cocytus, and I was buried in the middle of it, gnashing the teeth of my three mouths.


Our sexual encounter quickly devolved into a non-kinky shouting match.   Finally, tossing aside his fear of spooking me, he showed me his hands.  It looked like he’d fingered Carrie after the prom.  “LOOK.  Are you okay?”

It was right about then that I got a little nervous.  I was accustomed to a tiny bit of bleeding every now and then, but outside of menstruation, this was more blood than I’d ever seen come out of my vag.  But it didn’t hurt… in fact, I was feeling no pain at all, which is why I hadn’t realized how serious the situation was.  I rushed to the bathroom and held some toilet paper to my cunt until the blood flow was minimal, and as I was pressing it there, the pain set in.

Oh my god.

Let me tell you about the pain.

My cunt was on fire again, but it wasn’t the good burn from earlier – it stung.  It’s been a few years, but I vividly remember sitting on my toilet, trying not to cry because of a mixture of fear and pain, wondering if someone had turned a hive of pissed-off, razor-wielding hornets on my poor pussy.  It was scary.  I had no idea how bad the damage actually was, I just had some blood and pain as indicators of what I had done.  I felt confused, frail, vulnerable, damaged, and above all, foolish, because I thought it would be okay to put that thing in my vag.  Ex was pounding on the door, asking if I was okay, and all I could do was sit there and sniffle.  It didn’t take too long for the bleeding to slow down, and while I spotted for several days afterward, the damage wasn’t severe enough to warrant a doctor’s visit – at least, that was my opinion at the time.  In retrospect, I wish I had gone to the gynecologist just for peace of mind, if nothing else.  I still have questions about it.  Exactly what kind of damage did the edge of that thing cause: scratches, tears, scrapes?  Could it have changed the internal topography of my vagina?  Once I had healed up, I was convinced that my innards felt a little bit frillier than they used to, but that was an entirely subjective judgment from someone who didn’t often penetrate herself with her fingers.  Could I have gotten an infection if I hadn’t taken better care of it?

Now, do you want to know the scary part of this story?  I was the most sexually-educated person among my friends for years, and I thought that this roller would be okay to use in my vagina.

I was the one who told my friends that yes, they still needed to use condoms if they had anal.  I was the one that my friends asked about STDs, pornography, blowjobs, sexuality, and last but not least, masturbation.  I was the resident “sex genius,” and I thought it would be okay to stick this thing in my pussy even though it didn’t have rounded edges.  It wasn’t the ridges that hurt me… not initially, at least.  It was the top of the cylindrical shape that had hard edges instead of rounded ones.  I’m not going to deny that the ridges probably didn’t help, but once I started doing some reading on the subject, I realized that something with hard, pointy edges really shouldn’t have gone in my vagina.


When we’re showing them how to put condoms on bananas, if we’re even showing them that, then we also need to be teaching young adults what sort of things should not be put into their orifices and why, because they’re going to experiment with that whether you address it or not.  Instead of telling them not to have sex, tell them how to have sex safely and responsibly.  Instead of telling them not to masturbate, tell them how to do it safely and responsibly.  Even the teenagers who know more about sex than their peers (like I did) can learn how to do things more carefully.  If someone had told me that I shouldn’t put anything into my vagina until I made sure it had a smooth, rounded edge, I would have told my boyfriend to go fuck himself with a chainsaw before I let him put that thing inside me.

You can find all kinds of threads on the internet asking questions such as, “What can I find laying around the house to masturbate with?”  If it had been a masturbatory experience, would I have gone to Yahoo! Answers and asked if it was a bad idea to put that roller in my cunt?  Probably not.  It never really occurred to me.  It was just phallic enough that I didn’t think about the danger of the edges.

Do you know something important that I learned from Girl Scouts?

It was to be prepared.

Do you know what I learned from this experience?

Have a dildo for every occasion.

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  • July 4, 2011 at 1:46 am


    There is so much missing from sex ed, but this is a really good point. One of my posts, which mocks videos on YouTube of dudes trying to make homemade dildos, gets so many search engine hits because people are searching for “how to make a homemade dildo.” It scares me…

    • July 4, 2011 at 3:00 pm
      Eusi Mto

      Oh god, you’re serious, aren’t you? You have no idea how hard I am facepalming right now.

  • August 12, 2011 at 3:07 am

    Hi there. This is Emily. I hope it isn’t weird that I’m reading your sexy-blog. 😀

    You always were the most sexually-informed person at our high school, which at first frightened and then impressed me. It’s really shocking how sex-ed doesn’t address things like that, so even people like you, who were way ahead of the game back then, still make silly mistakes like this one. If we could just admit that people do masturbate and do have varied kinds of sex, then maybe we could have real discussions of how we can prevent accidents like this, or what to do if these things happen. Simple advice like “if you are bleeding from your vag, go to a doctor” could be incredibly helpful! But then they don’t even tell us what Plan B is (talk about useful fucking advice) so I guess we’re a long way off from truly comprehensive sex- ed.
    Of course, I’ve made some pretty stupid mistakes in my sex life too. Maybe it’s just being really turned on that causes us to lose our common sense?

  • September 19, 2011 at 7:02 am

    […] the first thing you did when you saw it was gird your loins.  I’’ve testified about my love of texture in the past, so it was sort of a given that when Goodvibes offered it up for review, I was all over […]

  • October 20, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Brilliant post!
    Funny, horrific, and with a moral at the end, what more could you want!

    Advice duly noted and thanks for sharing your vag horror story. If people didn’t share the bad bits none of us would learn 🙂


  • October 24, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    It was great post! I actually enjoyed it. And it reminds me of my first experiments with things and stuff that are close to your hand and ready to put into your vagina;) Gosh, now I’m thinking about it and think : That was so immatured and so CRAZY! even that now we’ve got glass dildos,on that time I’ve had only something that was made FROM the glass..;) I guess you don’t think too much if you want to get the pleasure but ..we should.
    Thank You Sugarcunt.

    • October 24, 2012 at 6:28 pm

      Thank you! Yeah, there were other sort of strange things that I experimented with putting in my vagina, but only on a solo basis, and NONE of them damaged me like that. Some of the ways that young people experiment are scary and a little dangerous. I wish I’d known better. I think about it now and I wonder how much bacteria-coated stuff I was putting into my vag, too! When I was much younger I didn’t have the foresight to wash things… like disposable razor handles!

      I do love my adult toys from strange materials now though. Nice and safe. I love my glass dildos.

  • […] me the right dildo.  Why do I say that?  Well for starters, the horrible shit that went down in Texture Fiend never would have […]

  • August 13, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    I remember back in high school one of the first Dan Savage columns I read featured horror stories from women using everything from hot dogs to broom handles as dildos. Luckily it scared me off home-made items. But most teens don’t get the chance to read Dan Savage or receive comprehensive sex education so the system definitely needs to change. Thanks for sharing your story woman.


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