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Over a brown-flesh-toned Vixen Maverick, text reads: "I do not give to you as pipedream gives to you. Do not let your genitals be troubled and do not be afraid."

The Word of the Nonporous


It’s time, folks. Time that someone told you the truth about your sex toys.

The Sex Toy Bible is very clear. The Four Manufacturers of the Apocalypse shall come and you shall know them by name: California Exotics, Doc Johnson, Pipedream, and Topco. When the first four seals are opened they shall ride forth from Hell and leave destruction in their wake.A pink, boa-feathered headband with four tiny pink dicks at the top, two of them on each side of a larger dick with balls.


I looked, and behold, a white dildo, and he who sat upon it had a Jelly Gems toy; and a fuzzy dildo crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer.

The Pipedream Great American Challenge, a monstrous, wine-colored jelly dildoDoc Johnson

And another, a red dildo, went out; and to him who sat upon it, it was granted to take health from the genitals, and that toys would melt one another, and a great dong was given to him.

TopcoA TPR love doll shaped like a nude woman with long brown hair - she is spreading her legs and holding them apart at the ankles, and I've never seen such a miserable expression on a sex doll's face before.

I looked, and behold, a black dildo; and he who sat upon it had a pair of masturbators in his hand. And I heard something like a voice in the center of the four living creatures saying, “A pound of TPR for a hundred, and three pounds of jelly for a hundred, but do not damage the cyberskin and the inflatable love dolls.”

A light blue jelly masturbatorCalifornia Exotics

I looked, and behold, an ashen dildo; and he who sat on it had the name California Exotics; and Jopen¹ was following with him. Authority was given to them over a fourth of the industry, to burn with chemicals.

Do not fear, family, for there is a brighter future in the light of safe toy materials. We can combat the evils of the four horsemen, but only if we study

the Word of the Nonporous.

Congregation, we shall now read from the first passage of the book of nJoy:

Stainless steel does not dishonor others, it keeps no record of wrongs.

A graphic that reads the line above: "Stainless streel dis not dishonor others, it keeps no record of wrongs" beside an image of the nJoy Eleven.

The book of NobEssence:

Wood is patient, wood is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast.

The quote above is seen depicted here. In blue text it reads, "Wood is patient, wood is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast." The NobEssence Seduction is pictured to the left of the text.

Verse 23 of the book of We-Vibe:

Silicone never fails. Where there are patent disputes, they will cease; where there are lawsuits, they will be stilled; where there is a settlement, it will pass away.

This image features the We-Vibe Touch beside white text on a blue trapezoid background. The text reads: Silicone never fails.

The book of Vixen:

Vixskin I leave with you; my Vixskin I give you. I do not give to you as Pipedream gives. Do not let your genitals be troubled and do not be afraid.

Over a brown-flesh-toned Vixen Maverick, text reads: "I do not give to you as pipedream gives to you. Do not let your genitals be troubled and do not be afraid."

Psalm 16 from the book of Fucking Sculptures:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the manufacturer, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you orgasms and a future.”

A golden Fucking Sculptures G-spoot is position to the right of the text, "For I know the plans I have for you... plans to give you orgasms and a future."

The Song of Tantus:

For every butt deserves a silicone plug, not some shoddy piece of toxic crap.

Two Tantus plugs surround the text: For every butt deserves a silicone plug, not some shoddy piece of toxic crap.

¹ Some of us actually admire some of Jopen’s toys… the Key Comet is an amazing G-spot wand. But they are owned by Cal Exotics, so make of that what you will.
Photo focusing on the BodiSpa's buttons - there are two, one to control sweed, and one to control temperature.
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  • May 21, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    There is technically a fifth, Nasstoys. They are part of the “Big 5” who started it all and are considered “founders” of the ANME show. We oddly don’t hear as much about them as the other 4 which is strange.

    I love this post. Love everything about it. I will be sharing the fabulous images when I get home. They are pure gold.

    • May 21, 2015 at 1:46 pm

      OMG, I forgot about Nasstoys! I know I’ve heard of them before, but not often. I wish I’d published this last week so you would have made this comment then and I could have included Nasstoys in my “just say no to shitty sex toys” post I put on my personal Facebook.

      THANK YOU! I am so happy that you like it!

      • May 21, 2015 at 1:55 pm

        Shevibe.com doesn’t even carry anything by Nasstoys so they must only produce heinous shit or not much. Or they produce under shadowy brands for each line, I dunno. Ok yeah. Looking at their site is ugh. I searched “silicone” and everything looks questionable, like a direct ripoff of another brand or just too cheap to bother.

      • May 21, 2015 at 2:18 pm

        Just visited the Nasstoys site. Nope nope nope. These toys are strange and questionable.

    • June 6, 2015 at 6:39 am

      Ha! Wrote my comment before reading yours. Clearly this post really IS golden.

  • May 22, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    This is a brilliantly hilarious way to bring this issue to people’s attention. I love it!

  • June 6, 2015 at 6:38 am

    This…this is…just gold. I giggled and nodded and spoke to my monitor. In tongues, probably. I have no memory of that which I sayeth.

  • June 28, 2015 at 2:23 pm

    This post is beautiful.

  • August 30, 2015 at 6:48 am

    I have been OBSESSIVELY reading sex positive blogs for the last few weeks, like hours and hours a day clicking links and you know down the whole internet rabbit hole (and on the upside feeling incredibly empowered!) But I kid you not, this is my favorite thing I’ve seen like ever! *bows down to Sugarcunt*

    Seriously, you are amazing! I’m seriously contemplating starting my own blog because I’m a writer with a lot of time on my hands and I’ve been contemplating so many things and hey the world needs a disabled lesbian sex blogger with some unique perspectives, right? Also though, I have so much admiration for so many of the awesome bloggers I’ve been reading and I just keep thinking “omg these are my people!” But this post, just seriously, genius! I flipping adore religious humor so, so much. And sex humor is like the other 80% of my mind (and sex toys, who doesn’t love sex toys when they’re nonporous, I’m so part of this church lol). So this was just so perfectly my sense of humor you have no idea. Like so perfect I’m a little bit in awe of its existence. So woot! Just wanted to share how much your post made my entire week and was so spot on hilarious and true to me. Thank you for this.

    • August 30, 2015 at 11:22 pm

      Thank you!

      You absolutely should start a blog. We need more unique perspectives, especially from disabled and non-heterosexual people!

      I was a little worried that the sacrilege might be a little more than some people could handle… fortunately those people haven’t come beating down my door with pitchforks. 😛


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