That Time We Didn’t Dye Her “Down-There”
I’m the queen of hair dye. Fact: It was invented for me. (That’s not a fact.) My hair has been every color, usually two at once, and one time (my high school graduation) it was even painstakingly dyed with every color of the rainbow (actually, we left out indigo, so it was more like ROYGBV, but indigo never really counted in the first place).
So naturally, I was the go-to for all things related to hair dye, just like I was the go-to for all things sexual in nature, such as “What’s a good lubricant for anal?” or “What’s a good trick to use during a blowjob?” or “What is ‘scurvy’?” (Hint: not an STD.) It made a lot of sense to combine these two, so I often talked about how I would dye my pubic hair once I eventually let it grow out. Just picture it: a perfect expression of my theoretical “uniqueness” hidden in my panties. (Did I mention I was voted “most unique” in high school? Yeah, that’s the user-friendly superlative for “green-haired crazypants with no friends.”)
Anyway, one of my friends was well-known for having girls’ nights at her place, and several of us were planning to head over there and hang out. For some reason or another, my friend and I decided, on a whim, that this would be a great time to dye her pubic hair purple. I brought the vegetable dye and gloves, and she brought her trimmed box. It was at that point that our hostess returned and banged on the bathroom door until it opened to reveal four girls crowded around a toilet in a half-bath, two watching while I snapped on a pair of latex gloves and my friend hitched her leg up on the toilet cover. It was quite a sight. Our new arrival pointed out, “Do you really need her to dye your pubic hair?”
Well… now that she mentioned it. No. It’s a one-woman job, really. I held the dye pot instead. Imagine the balls that my friend had to smear the equivalent of Gooze all over her pubic bone with an audience of four. The exhibitionists out there may scoff, but even I prefer to dye in private.
Here’s the end of the story, even though I’ve already spoiled it for you: It didn’t work.
She was a dirty blonde, and her pubes were slightly darker than her hair. We were using a pretty dark violet that we thought would work. After letting it process for 15 minutes, we got nothing. Her pubes didn’t show the slightest hint of purple. Given how long I process my hair (all day) I would have made her leave it on for an hour… but an hour of sitting in the bathroom not hanging out with your friends is pretty boring if they’re all in the next room. I’ve also had little success dying my ex’s goatee, and since the hair texture is relatively similar, the only thing I can figure is that more coarse hair needs a longer amount of time, or we should have thrown caution to the wind and used some body hair bleach beforehand.
As someone who wants you to keep your body in good shape,
I don’t recommend:
- Bleaching your genital region before you dye. If you want that done, it’s a better idea to ask a professional about it… and let a professional do it.
- Directly dying your genital region. Instead only dye the hair on your pubic bone. The dye could irritate your vulva, penis, or scrotum.
If you dye, I do recommend:
- Using a mild vegetable dye rather than a highly chemical dye. (You may get better results from non-vegetable dye. Maybe that was my problem.)
- Rubbing vaseline over your vulva or penis – it’ll keep you from suffering from Blue Waffle (sorry, sorry, too gross, I know, I’m done) or Gangrene (hah, get it?) Cock.
- Using latex gloves to keep the dye from staining your hands. Do you want to explain to your grandmother that your hands are pink because your box is?
- Following the instructions on the dye box. This is pretty straightforward.
- Doing a patch test and a strand test beforehand. Rub some dye in an inconspicuous place like the inside of your arm or back of your leg and wait about 24 hours. If you don’t have an allergic reaction, you’re golden. For a strand test, try snipping some of your hairs and dying them to see what the color looks like. These are both standard procedure for your head, and since you want to be twenty times more careful with your junk, you probably don’t want to skip them.
- Using something to apply the dye carefully. I’m more of a throw-caution-to-the-wind person myself, but do as I say, not as I do. This is less of a safety advisory (as long as you avoid your genitals and stick to the recommended areas) and more of an aesthetic advisory. Many guides I’ve read recommend using dye brushes or cotton swabs or balls.
- Going to a salon that offers bikini waxes if you’re unsure about your ability to do it yourself. There’s no shame in having a professional do something that you might botch up. Do you cut your own hair, do your own home repairs, and perform your own oral surgery? Most people will answer no to these things, so there’s no shame in adding another to the list.
- Trying one of the pubic hair dye kits that are out there. Try Betty Beauty if they’ve got the color you’re looking for.
- Dying when your hair is long, then trimming (if you so desire) once you’ve finished the coloring. This is the exact opposite of what I recommend for the hair on your head.
- Preparing yourself for comments such as “Oh, did you have sex with [Barney / a Smurf / Godzilla / the devil / a pig / other creature with a color that corresponds to your pube color]?” if you share the joy of your dyed hair with other people. This can be expected with the hair on your head, and so I just know that the one friend you have who thinks they’re a comedy genius will make this remark if you tell them about your pubes. (To all the comedy geniuses out there: we’ve all heard it before. Really, asking me if a Smurf jizzed on my head? You know the answer is “right before he fucked your mother.”)
Keep in mind, I’m by no means a professional hair stylist or salon technician. Like I said above: when in doubt, go to the people who know what they’re doing.
Has your pubic hair ever (deliberately) been a funny color? Are you considering dying it? I know you’re out there, people.