Underwhelming Things: The Shag Factory Swing Ring

I’ve used two cock rings in my life.  The first was not incredible.  The Shag Factory Swing Ring was the second.

Maybe it’s my anatomy.  I’m a big person with prominent outer labia.  I have to spread them to get this thing in the general REGION of where it’s actually supposed to be, which is fine, but even then my clitoris rarely lines up with where sex toy companies -think- my clitoris should be (which is not an uncommon problem).

Maybe it’s my personal taste for vibrations that would send a T-Rex roaring into multiple orgasms.

Maybe it’s just ’cause it’s not that good.

The Shag Factory Swing Ring is a politician.  It promises to stimulate the perineum with its swinging weight on the bottom.  It promises to cycle through multiple vibration patterns automatically.  It promises to increase sensitivity and hardness.  The big difference is that with this toy, congress can’t be blamed for the failure to fulfill these promises.  It’s entirely possible that it cycles through vibration patterns, but I didn’t notice.  My partner didn’t notice the ball at the end.  Maybe we were distracted by struggling to get something out of the toy.

We tried the Swing Ring with me on top.  If you can picture me squatting over a cock, trying desperately to maneuver that absurd little vibrating protrusion (it looks like a spare appendage with warts, you guys) onto my  clitoris, then you can imagine how absurd the whole thing was.  It was definitely not conducive to a passionate, sexy lovemaking session.

We tried it with me on bottom.  This is probably the position in which you are supposed to use the Shag Factory Swing Ring.  I still wouldn’t call it optimal.  In fact, with all the desperate fumbling you will do while trying to make this toy work for you, missionary will ACTUALLY be boring. Or tedious.  Can something be boring AND tedious simultaneously?  Survey says: yes.

The packaging is also patently absurd.  It’s not really a point for or against it.  It’s just ridiculous.  I get what they were going for, but it looks like a children’s toy.  DO NOT LEAVE THIS LYING AROUND FOR YOUR CHILDREN TO FIND.

Image courtesy of Babeland.

So I don’t care that the Shag Factory Swing Ring is a beautiful blue, or that its tail looks like it belongs on one of Giger’s aliens from the movies.  I do not care that the ball at the end of the tail has a star on it.  These were physical traits that were cute and/or gimmicky and/or pretty enough to attract me to the toy.  After trying to use it, though, all I care about is the stumpy blue thumb with warts on it that did NOTHING for me.  I mean, damn.  If you’re going to look blatantly unappealing, then at least impress me.

I’m a little bitter.  That cock ring was for ME, and I wanted to get something out of it.  But I didn’t.  And my partner didn’t, so there wasn’t even a consolation prize.  This leads me to believe that you probably shouldn’t consider the Shag Factory Swing Ring unless you find that you have a lot of success with similarly-shaped cock rings.

Thank you, Babeland, for providing me with the Shag Factory Swing Ring to review!