Improvised Masturbation With Household Objects and Better, Sexier Alternatives #2

May 25, 2013

So I was in bed at 5 AM, lying there thinking about sticking razors in my pussy, like you do.

It occurred to me that I probably would have had much safer sexual experiences when I was exploring sexually as a young person if someone had just given me the right dildo. Why do I say that? Well for starters, the horrible shit that went down in Texture Fiend never would have happened.

This series of blog posts will share some popular household items that I may or may not have tried to put in my vagina, and here are some delicious dildo alternatives to sate your foreign-objects-in-your-orifice desires without the risk of harm.

Number one: Disposable razor handles.

Number two:

I have inserted bananas.

Well, just one banana, really.

How: With a condom on it.

Why: Because everybody else does it and so I figured I may as well try it too.

Where: Vagina. DO NOT PUT A BANANA IN YOUR ANUS. If you disregard my warning and do so, you’re going to find yourself in the ER getting an X-ray of the banana your ass just ate and you’re going to feel pretty silly.

Do I recommend: Not really. It’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve put in my vagina, but bananas can be mushy. Ew. It was certainly bigger than anything I wanted in my vagina at the time. I hated having things in my vagina. Why was I compelled to put things inside it? Because I thought I was supposed to like it. That’s a good reason to do anything, right?