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Sugarcunt’s Dorm Sex Flowchart


I don’t sleep.  I also don’t get to jack it while I sit awake at 6 AM.

To explain this unfortunate phenomenon, and what college sex is like for me in general, allow me to present

Sugarcunt’s Dorm Sex Flowchart.

Go ahead and click that shit so you can actually read it.  And read the line key!

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  • January 22, 2012 at 11:30 am

    You need to create a cave. We bunked our beds and I took the bottom which allowed me to take blankets/throws and stuff them underneath her mattress so that they hung down on the side and end, pretty much completely shielding me from view. The premise was, of course, to block out light to help me sleep.

    If you can manage this step, the next is to see if your roommate doesn’t mind a fan or other white noise machine. Again, the premise is “to help me sleep” but it’s really just to mask sounds.

    • January 22, 2012 at 1:05 pm

      Haha, believe me, I would love to do that (and screw the pretense… although honestly, the light bugs me, too, because naturally, our window faces a courtyard with a huge light), but we have a strict policy AGAINST bunking the beds, because my roommate had hers lofted with her former roommate last fall, and it was… uncomfortable and tedious to live with, to say the least, and un-lofting the beds here is even worse. It’s like a four-person job, and you have to un-loft them before you move out!

      I just try to take advantage of her busy schedule whenever possible. 😛

      Something I neglected to mention here is that it really -wouldn’t- be that awkward for me to masturbate in front of her, because she and I are exes… and more importantly, most of our sex life took place with an audience, due to how we were living at the time. It actually might not make her as uncomfortable as one would think, but I like to think I’m being courteous!

      And girl, I’ve got fans galore. What I -want- is an eroscillator for more quiet playtime.

  • January 22, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    This made my day!

    • January 22, 2012 at 5:17 pm

      I’m so glad someone appreciates the fruits of my labor! <3

  • January 22, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Haha, this is great!! The first time you never have a roommate you’re going to spend an entire week just masturbating at will…just because you can. 🙂

    • January 23, 2012 at 6:19 am

      Yeah, I’m living in a single next year. Awwwww yeah. *Porno music.*

  • January 22, 2012 at 5:22 pm
    Insane Hussein

    This. Is. AWESOME!

  • January 23, 2012 at 4:31 am

    EVERY DORM MANUAL SHOULD HAVE THIS. Avoid awkward moments and failed masturbation sessions. Also, a shower/bathroom version should be made.

    • January 23, 2012 at 6:21 am

      You know, I’m only -vaguely- qualified to make a shower/bathroom version – I never lived in the freshman dorms where they had those end of the hall showers, and I only lived in a suite where four rooms shared a bathroom for a few weeks in the summer. I’m accustomed to having my own bathroom.

  • January 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

    I never did the dorm thing in college, but I can relate to this from stories I’ve heard and how I imagine dorm life to be. Hooray for apartment living and freedom of masturbation when I was in college!

  • February 2, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    You are my fucken hero – how am I just now finding this blog?!


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